We Need Each Other and We Need to Be Needed by Each Other
Embracing Interdependence
Dependence has become a dirty word. We don’t like to think of ourselves as burdens, as needing assistance, or as needy period. Our culture has taught us to herald the tale where the individual needs no one to rise above the odds and attain wild success all on his or her own. But this is a false narrative. Success does take self-support and continued resolve and commitment, but we absolutely need others to support and guide us as well. Even in Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey, each hero and heroine has magical helpers that come to his or her aid during hard times. No one thrives or even survives completely alone. We are born into this world by the grace of others’ care, and we continue to need others for the rest of our lives.
It’s no surprise that this false narrative of “going it alone” has found its way into many people’s partnerships and is causing partners distress. A 2018 study sponsored by the insurance giant Cigna published some alarming statistics pointing to a loneliness epidemic: nearly half of the 20,000 Americans surveyed said they “sometimes or always feel alone or left out.”[1] This study also found that people in relationships were only slightly less likely than single people to feel lonely. We can see how modern partnerships fall way short of being a cure for loneliness. In fact, many of the couples who come to my office struggle with the belief that each partner must tend to his or her needs alone. This makes for a lonely partnership. I suggest to them that they consider embracing interdependence within their partnerships so they feel less lonely and more connected.
Interdependence in partnership is created by the agreement two partners make, for mutually agreed upon reasons, to depend on each other. The reasons that can underpin a couple’s interdependence include a shared mythology, a belief they are gaining something bigger than each of them has alone by fully investing in the partnership, and the necessity of mutual dependence for their survival. Interdependence works on the paradox that the couple receive and gain trust by giving trust freely and generously. Partners learn to trust each other with their lives and souls, without fear they will be ridiculed, judged, or neglected.
My husband and I have agreed to practice embracing interdependency. Still, we both struggle with it in different ways. Here’s one example.
I’m having a rough day. Despite getting up super early with my son, I got to work late and my overall feeling during the day is heavy and irritable. I know I’ll really need some TLC from my husband later today, so I ping him, “Hey babe, can we connect tonight after we put Jude (our son) down and before we do anything else?”
He responds, “Yeah, but I’m dying to watch the season finale of Game of Thrones. But yeah, we can connect.”
The “yeah but” hurts my feelings, so part of me thinks about responding, “You don’t appreciate how hard I work for the family. I’m up early with Jude, meal prepping, playing with him, and then I’m off for work all day till I pick him up from school, only to rinse and repeat tomorrow, with little help from you.” But I don’t because it’s untrue and cruel, and would break our agreement to care for each other. I remain vulnerable and say, “Wow. That hurt my feelings. We agreed to care for each other, and I’m saying that I need your care.”
His voice softens: “I’m sorry, babe. Of course Game of Thrones can wait. I didn’t realize how much you were struggling, and my joke was really misattuned.”
This is our imperfectly perfect practice. We fall off only to get back on and remind each other that we agreed to be interdependent on each other. It’s how we have decided to live ourselves and how we are raising our son. We want him to know that it’s okay to need others and to care for others. We understand that we must live this to truly teach him these lessons. It’s hard sometimes for me to just ask for my needs to be met without prefacing them with a worthiness CV of sorts. And sometimes it’s hard for him to meet them. It’s also hard for him to identify his own emotional needs so that makes it especially difficult for him to be sensitive to mine.
Embracing interdependency after being indoctrinated with the culture’s belief that only weak people need help from other people can be a radical shift. Here are some tips to make the shift in your partnership:
- Discuss the idea of interdependence with your partner. Why be together? Why prioritize showing up for each other? The answers to these questions can become your shared mythology.
- Nobody’s perfect, and people make mistakes, so getting together with your partner and making an agreement to tend to each other can be a powerful tool. You and your partner can fall back on your agreement to be safe in your partnership whenever the going gets rough.
- Get more comfortable with the discomfort of advocating for your own needs. Most people love helping others and have a harder time asking for help. Interdependence requires that you directly and explicitly ask for support from your partner. Don’t wait for your partner to take care of your needs; jump in and take the risk to be vulnerable by expressing your needs, wants, and desires.
- Trust that your partner wants to help you out and will do so. This is another part of the vulnerability aspect of interdependence that can be hard for partners. If your partner doesn’t follow through, then express yourself and remind him or her of your agreement.
- Be mindful of the impact trauma may have on you or your partner. Trauma affects the ability to connect with others. It can leave people feeling like they can’t trust themselves, their friends and family, and the world at large to be a safe place. When trauma is involved, interdependence is all the more significant and healing for the individual and couple, but also more difficult since interdependence necessitates partners trusting their own needs and trusting their partners to meet those needs to the best of their ability. Couple therapy may be helpful if you think this is the case for you or your partner.
- Practice, practice, practice. Building a new culture, even if it is only two people, takes practice. And practice being patient with yourself and your partner while you practice.
Each time you or your partner take that leap and trust each other and take care of each other without criticism or critique, you are doing something radical in our increasingly lonely and self-oriented world. Your world and those who orbit around you (including kids and extended family and friends) will reap the rewards of your and your partner’s love, respect, and accountability. There is prized value in needing and tending to each other: connection, trust, and a link to your own humanity.
[1] Cigna. (2018). Cigna 2018 U.S. Loneliness Index. Retrieved from https://www.cigna.com/assets/docs/newsroom/loneliness-survey-2018-fact-sheet.pdf
